I had a fantastic day today! For no particular reason. I ate healthy I walked me dog as i said i would and it was my first day back at work. I enjoyed being at work. It felt normal. it felt like things were back to normal. For me going back to work symbolised a lot more than just earning money. It meant i was on the mend. I was back to my life. I spoke to people i knew and i did things as i always did them. AND I only smoked one cigarette today. I think i feel like i am slowly achieving the things i wanted to achieve and even though i felt the opposite yesterday, that the gap between what i wanted and where i am was too overwhelmingly great. I realised today im a bit closer to it than i think. That regardless if i win today or not the best way to get to where i want to be is to do my best on the days that i can. i used to fall in the trap of planning to start something tomorrow. because it worked better or seemed more neat or whatever silly reason i came up with. But tomorrow would come and id forget to start. I realised that the task still seemed too daunting the next day. so i never began. Now i try to start everything today. even if i want to start walking my dog for long walks everyday. instead of putting off the long walk because it seems too daunting. i tell myself start now and lets just go to end of the driveway. and i end up taking him on a long walk.
My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.
When i first became extremely unwell i tried so hard to keep living my life the way i always had. I was trying so hard and everything i had ever found easy was now very difficult. I fought for years as hard as i could to take one step forward and being pushed 2 steps back. The life i had lived up till that point was not suited for someone who was mentally ill. I tried to change my life blaming my symptoms in certain aspects of my life like law school so i went to art scchool. then artschool was to blame and my location so i changed states. It was about 3 years in I found out the common denominator in all this pain and discomfort was me. it wasnt everything else that was wrong. it was me. I was the problem. After years of seeking treatment and trying to live the life i always wanted and then thought i wanted i was overwhelmed with guilt and the realistion that it had been me all along. I stopped telling people what i was going to do with my life because i didnt want to be held accountable for my failures anymore. I had to realise i wasnt capable of greatness like i was used to. all i could do was survive. That was the greatest challenge i had ever faced and no one quite understood how i could be content with survival after all my achievements and in truth i wasnt. I was absolutely devestated. But i had to accept that right now all i could do was survive. So i changed my entire life so that i could survive and keep my head above water and i knew i wasnt walking forward but atleast this lifestyle wasnt taking me back.I was surviving.Thats was why i checked myself into hospital again this year. Because I was done surviving. I was sick of just getting through today and fearing tomorrrow. I wanted desperately to find something better. to be who i wanted to be without my illness holding me back. and knowing i could never get rid of it i wanted to find a way to manage it so that it would not rob me of another 5 years of my life. I hadnt been giving it my all as i thought. I realised going to my doctors appointments and therapy and taking my meds wasnt enough. I wanted more for myself. i wanted more out of life. That drove my passion and determination to fight. I looked back on my life and saw my illness had robbed me of atleast 5 years of my life. i was not going to look back 5 years from now and see that my illness had robbed 10 years of my life. NO WAY! i want to look back in 5 years and think of how far i have come in the past 10 years.
I guess thats the same time i decided to tell my story. I think i just wanted my family to listen, my friends to understand. Anyone to acknowledge my struggle. To hope that some good could come out of all of this. I wouldnt say i seek validation from this account but it is nice to know im not alone, but moreso that the lessons i learnt the hard way. might help someone in some way. that my struggles and successes might live on. that maybe despite the achievements i thought my illness robbed me of… that maybe it gave me my greatest achievement yet.
You may not control all the events that have happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced b.