Acording to religious leggends limbo is the space between the living and the dead. Bordering on the gates of hell those lost souls destined to walk the vast nothingness for all eternity. Thats where I find myself trapped. Stuck squarely in the middle of the living and the dead. I know the exact day my life stopped. The moment I began to move further back than I did forward. The lost years I would have gotten a lot further locked in a cell than I did trying to live. My illness caused me to make many bad decisions and poor life choices. For years I stumbled and fell through life no longer knowing which way was up. I would start to mend my broken life when I was going up only to tear it down twice as bad when I was depressed.
I feel like ive been living in a state of limbo since it all began. Waiting to be well enough to start living and building my life back up. A year ago when peo0ple started asking me what I was doing in my life I began confidently telling them I was trying to get well. A brillant plan that failed on many occassions for many different reasons. The goal was right but the methods were a little sketchy at times.
I often wonder where I would be if I hadnt beccome ill. If my life hadt been consumed by instability and this crazy rollercoaster. The word itself in latin translates to the edge of hell. That very acuartely describes my life. Always being on the verge of hell. Stuck in a place I cant get past until I am well.
I realised all to late that it was better to not make plans than plan anything at all. Less damage would be done that way. It seemed whatever plan I concocted to fix all this mess fell through. I ended up further down the rabbit whole than I did before. I had to learn to challenge my ideas of success in the traditional sense and re imagine them to describe a successful person as someone who achieves whatever they set out to do. It was the small achievements that I had to learn to appreciate especially when I failed at almost anything I tried to do.
Personally I like the Amstrad PCWs definition of limbo. They used the term to describe files that were deleted in their word processing software but could still be restored. I like to think that I can still get my old self back even though Im mostly certain I cant. This illness has changed me. Sometimes I feel like an alien lifeforms has taken over my body. Those times I watch myself from up above like in a movie and observe the bad choices I make. No matter how loud I scream out dont do it. It never seems to work.