The thought of dying is the first one I awake to eacch and every morning. When I open my eyes im already tired. Heavy and weeak. In the shower I let the water run over me, ,i sit on the floor. Too tired to stand. I le the warm water splash over my face and wake me up. Another dreary day to be had. I like water. Showers and baths are the only place I find any comfort. Bathing is the only activity that doesnt irritate me. Its my scare few minutes of enjoyment in everyday. I stay for as long as I can until the water runs cold. Sometimes I lay on the floor even too exhausted to sit. I feel the water pound down on me and its the only time the weight against me is justified. I pray the water will wash away that awful cloud. The grey haze that follows me around. I feel like rubbish and like I ccould easily be dscarded. Thrown away with the trash and other used and worthles items. Im hideous. Im alone. Life is so unbearable I arise each day with less enthusiasm than the next. I feel living does more harm than good. My emotions are dark and im weary from the thoughts that plague my mind.
People think suicide is a choice to die. But im already dead a zombie walking this earth with no purpose or desire. A monster gifted with the greatest curse. My will to live has been gone for as long as I can remember. I see no beauty or aw in this world. Just the darkness. I search for anything to put me out of my misery. I go to the doctors time and time again. Countless hours spent in therapy but to no avail. Im broken they say. I can be fixed. But I dont believe them. No one can help me now.
All I think is that its time to take leave from this world. Theres nothing here for me but pain and this god awful misery. IM done being tormented. Sick of the pain and suffering. The eternal struggle I face is too daunting to carry on. Only death is the surest way to end my battle. I know ttheres no hope of ever winning this life long war. I see no future beyond my past that isnt consumed by misery and sadness. A future so terrifying I want to avoid it. The world is cuel and cold. Just like my body should be if only I had the energy to grab the knife.
What people dont really understand is that depression creates a suffocating heaviness. Im stuck in a spiral spinning faster and faster with the weight of the world crashing down. I am consumed by this horrid plague. Its smothered me and I feel as if I cant breath. My life seems to belong to a stranger and im stuck in a body I dont recognise. Everything seems foreign im outside myself watching it all not being able to help. I am defeated mind body and soul. You win depression. You win.
Im not in control of my mind. Who is making these horrid thoughts? A muddle of emotions come together to create one big lump that sits in the back of my throat. Confusion, negativity, guilt, doubt, misery, self hatred are all mixed together controlled by my dark depresion. Im so low I cant see anything but the darkness. Im blind and im stuck in the waves crashing down on me not alllowing me to breath. Terrified to be trapped in the ocean not knowing which way is up. Like lead I sink to the bottom. I didnt choose to die but im scared this black plague will take my life.
I crawl into bed and check my phone. Im dying I whisper. Its just a matter of time. I begin to my research on how to die.