BPD – Painful Memories and Triggers

Some days i just want to give up. I know i wont. But i am always shocked at all it takes to make my body feel like its going to explode. COmbust from the horrors of life. A simple reminder. A sly glance. Anything that triggers a painful memory. Just to remind me of a time I couldnt cope. A life i regrettfully had to endure. The worst part is i know i did so much of it to myself. Especially in the name of love. Pain and suffering caused by not being able to let go of a rope being pulled from my grasp. Burning and hurting as i gripped onto it stronger. Little did i know, until i felt it tighten around my neck. I had struggled my way out of it without releasing my grip. I had squirmed until i had manovered the rope i had not wanted to let go of to cause my own death. Its only when you are forced to choke to death do be strangled alive do you first think of letting go of the rope. But then you cant because if you do, you will surely die. A pain so significant and intense you will it to kill you because it feels like it will and you suffer a slow and painful demise. You fall to the floor as the rope is pulled from your grasp. but you cant breath. Because they slit your throat on their abrubt departure. Bleeding out on the bathroom floor you want to end it all. You cry out in pain and no one hears. No one shows that they care. So you carve words or scars into your arm. As a release it feels. Marking the emotional pain no one believes exists. They did this to you. That is true. THat is what allows you to move on through. They tortured you and you want to know why. why they felt a need to punish you. WHat answer are you looking for? Is it one you already know? that you deserved it? that you will never be loved? a lie you have been told so many times before in your attempts to disprove it you just confirm it. Not again you cry. I hear your cries, i believe you. I know no one else does and that is the real crime. They say you overreacted or it was over something so trivial. Well i tell you the honest truth if they cared at all that wouldnt matter. They would move heaven and earth for you. If you thought you deserved to be treated right then you would be with someone who treated you right. Create boundaries and stick to their borders. I guess the reason im a borderline is because i let people cross that line. My borders are weak so i must strengthen them quick before anyone else comes along and pushes their ill suited minds into my life. I have accepted and come to terms with the past. But its the fact that I let it happen to me that really still hurts the most. THat i had a choice to let go of the rope but i clung to it…. for reasons i now know. But i didnt have to. I could have let go so i feel like i dont have a right to voice my struggle. When it was my fault i got hurt. That i let someone abuse me. Suffocate me, strangle me or let me bleed out. I let them do it all in name of unconditional love. Fuck that for a joke.

2 thoughts on “BPD – Painful Memories and Triggers

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