Sometimes my mind runs wild. I am consumed by racing thoughts as they zoom past in my mind. I try to catch them but its as difficult as trying to catch a butterfly with your bare hands. Recovery to me is silence in my mind. Space to let in the thoughts i want to entertain. The soldiers im fighting against temporarily surrendering. But be warned, dont turn and walk away from the fight. Because they are just waiting for the opportunity to strike. An army of thoughts, ready and waiting to break peace and invade your territory. Dont let them get too far or loose all hope of beating them back behind their lines. FIghting for control of your mind. It has been getting worse the last few days and i feel like slowly im loosing the peace i fought hard to create. You might say for some reason im begin extra sensitive at the moment and that may be true. Or maybe more triggers have presented themselves to the fence. Both are possible. Both are most likely happening as we speak. I have a fire inside me that never seems to subside. When raging it sets me on fire, i feel like im being burnt alive. A tiny gust of wind can be enough to ignite the embers buried deep within. A whole lot of emotion, locked in a cage, waiting for the opportunity to escape. Lock them up and throw away the key. But i forget that i never held the only key. That people and triggers have a hold of me and they know exactly where to poke to ignite that spark that sets fire to me. I hold back. I keep it all in. I am terrified. Terrified of the hold some people have on me and loosing my mind all at the same time. Ive become very good at putting out fires. But i never kill the embers. I was triggered by a few things, but a photo i saw of my ex with his new bimbo girlfriend. I guess i was angry he looked happy and had moved on. But also it was terrifying that he uploaded a photo when in one whole year with me he didn’t upload any. his previous girlfriend he did and i had convinced myself he had learnt his lesson. So what this triggered was not jealousy, but every time he told me i wasn’t good enough, that i didn’t deserve to be treated right, that i deserved to be punished because i was worthless. Well he had obviously found someone that was worth his while. So that hurt. It triggered a long raging fire ignited by my father as a child that I am not worthy. That i am not good enough. That theres something wrong with me, that i am defective and I deserve all that people do to me. Such psychological abuse i have suffered a lifetime of and the fire ignited today was not just one my ex had fueled but one every man i ever loved had added wood to. I was more scared that my dad might be right. That all these horrible abusive things people had done to me, was really because i deserved it. What is wrong with me? I questioned. I know its traumatic child abuse more commonly known as borderline personality disorder and that allows me to detach myself from the emotions. Because its not me. But it feels like me. But i know i can work on it. The first step is not letting my mind run wild. But my biggest fear is to have it triggered again because i am still healing and cannot handle anymore pain. The best revenge? Pretend like it doesnt affect you. I know thats true because thats what everyone else does to me. So how can i practice that too? When it does affect me and i am burning through. How many holes can be burnt into my soul? I shut the world out on so many levels because i know all these people are wrong. But there sure seems to be a hell of a lot of them. 100 to 1. I wish i faced better odds. For the first time i contemplately not sharing my journey as i had a panic attack last night. But i need to be strong. Pinned to the bed i couldnt move. My body felt like jelly. Im just trying to survive showing my emotions with my heart on my sleeve in a world full of fake smiles and empty dreams.