Todays inner dialoge
*warning- raw thoughts ahead*
weary tired exhausted abused
I feel the weight of not having a stable living situation and the pressure of work crashing over me. I am nauseas from my meds and feel like shit. I keep thinking about the past and although i know i shouldnt…i do.Every hurtful thing anyone i ever cared about said/did to me pierces my heart. I think of the good times and wonder where it all went so wrong. was it really me all along? You changed i acused you changed into this hurtful monster why did you do this to me? Am i really that bad? I deserved it they told me? Why were they so determined to hurt me? What is wrong with me!? I guess afterall one way or another i am at fault. I let it all go on for too long. I let them betray, abuse and destroy me. I realised today i acused so many of changing without realising i was changing too.I might have even changed first. I dont blame them for not liking depressed me i dont even want to be around myself. Why am i so suprised they all run away? Id like to run away from myself. When you see things a little clearer it becomones obvious that my illness has inflitrated all of my life. I cant hold a job. I move every few months,i cant even function really overall. How much easier i think it would be if i was brought up a different way. I envy even those with Mental Illnesses that have a supporting family and a loving home. I need to leave my house ASAP but where can i go? I have no where to go. Oh how i yearn in these times to have a loving home.always a meal cooking on the stove.I dont want someone to take care of me even though at times i need it. Im too proud to beg for help. I dont ever ask. SO when i float an idea past you to move into your home… know its out of sheer desperation i am begging even though it might not seem so. I just want the most basic things in life. I shed tears as i write. I just want to be happy i cry! Im trying so hard. I remind myself how far i have come and how much work i have done but thats just the tip of the iceburg compared to the damage ive done. I feel like ive just walked out of my house after a natural disaster… alone with no idea where to start. I dont even know if emotionally ill ever recover from the hurt or if I have enough time to rebuild my troubled life.Its times like these i just want someone to hold me and take away all my pain. to tell me everything will be alright. I find it hard to tell myself that. because ultimately i dont know. The scariest part is the disaster isnt over. Im living it every second of every day and if im bawking at the sheer size of my destruction I think what on earth am i going to do if i make it worse? Im actively trying not too and i really hope its enough. I wish I could just start over with a clean slate. I see my friends my age buying houses and getting engaged and im over here like i got debts to pay and i seem so much further behind everyone. It all seems so easy for everyone else. Then i remind myself you havent worked full time, you cant hold a job, a house or a stable state of mind! Just give it time. Time to heal, lick those gapping wounds and allow yourself to recovery. You need strength to get to where you want to go.
I know this all to be very true yet i still yearn to not have to worry about where i will live. A place to lay my weary head to rest. A safehaven for me to become my best.
I sigh, deep breaths, nausea fading, tears run dry.
One more sigh, just another day in my life.
I share this with you now not for attention or pity. But i feel its a valuable moment to share when despite everything i have learnt… I am not immune to the tricks of my mind.