Bipolar Disorder | Weight Fluctuation

The same comments I keep hearing from everyone who hasn’t seen me in awhile.  Your loosing weight they say. But ive heard that on and off for years. In truth I fluctuate. Then the dreaded second question from those who know me well. Are yu eating? Og course I’m eating I reply even though in truth I know I’m not. It’s not a total lie. I put food in y mouth from time to time and chew on it despite anything I try tasting like dirt.  I’m full. I have no appetite.  I force something down atleast twice a day to avoid the punishing stomach cramps of my medication if I don’t.  But each mouthful I consume it ‘s like punishment.  Eating is not a necessity I dint have hunger and when I’m alone I don’t eat. I avoid hanging out with friends for meals because I know they all question why I didn’t even touch a meal I paid for. Having a boyfriend can be a saviour because they eagerly await on the sidelines to Finnish it off for u. I know I dint have an eating disorder despite my poor appetite.  Hunger seems to evade me when I’m manic. It doesn’t even cross my mind. I can spend weeks without entering the kitchen. I find doing groceries hard because I might spend a fortune Gilling my fridge then suddenly it’s all forgotten. By the time I’m hungry again it’s rotten.  Eating healthy is a pain. When my housemate first moved in she was horrified,  legitimately all there was in the fridge was a bottle of orange juice and a bottle of vodka. The necessities I told her. Y cuvbatd were bare and there was actually no foodie sight. I ate out a lot I told her. Which wasn’t far from thw truth. I was never at home.  I floated from house to house keeping myself busy visiting friends. There were lots of reasons I didn’t have food. Money was one and for a long time now it didn’t seem like much of a priority.
Being manic isn’t the only reason my hunger fades away. Being anxious can make me waste away. Since I’m nearly always anxious I am consumed by nervous tension. A doctor once told me anxiety is the natural response to stress. That back in cave man times it was necessary for survival. When presented with danger like a tiger in your way our bodies would become anxious.  Flight or fight response he called it. Our bodies would shut down all unnecessary bodily functions including our stomachs and bowls.  That energy was needed to be preserved to fuel the adrenaline we needed to fight or run from the danger. The only problem in modern society is that danger is all around us. We can’t escape it by fighting or fighting.  Our bodies pumping with adrenaline readying us for expose speed and strength but all this can be happening while we are sitting at our desks. That nervous nausea we feel in our gut is because our stomachs are no longer grumbling.  I often get diarrhoea after a bad anxiety episode when stomach begins to work again.

2 thoughts on “Bipolar Disorder | Weight Fluctuation

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