I wanted to address something that a lot of you guys have mentioned in concern to me about my current state of mind. IN the sense I may be MANIC. Well yes I kind of am. I would be manic right now if I wasn’t on my medication. What I am experiencing is a lesser form of the same symptoms because my lithium deals really well with the highs. I guess I want to confirm there is nothing to worry about. I am safe, I am fine. Really honestly I mean that. I am supervised and I am keeping myself strictly business. I was well aware of this recent surge in energy, less need for sleep and in fact I probably caused it. I realised through My seasonal effective disorder that the sun is my best friend. Its like medicine. So I have been harnessing its incredible power to make me happy and lift my mood by getting as much sunshine as I can. Maybe I overdosed. I feel myself getting slightly higher each day. Although I can confirm that what I feel now is not a full blown out of control manic episode. In fact if I wasn’t on my medication it would be 100 times worse. Thats why I choose to take my lithium. I guess being as selff aware as I am is incredibly valuable. Sure I have doctors appointments once a week and therapist once a week so I am under professional supervision too. I stress theres no need to worry on your part. Am I worried…. NO. But I am cautious. When I go up theres two voices in my head. Theres the real me… then theres manic barbie. The higher I go up the volume on real me gets turned down ad manic barbie becomes quite overpowering. So right now they have even pull. Manic barbie is certaintly trying to take the rains. But as I said its not a manicc episode. Just a tiny baby one. So I am careful. If im not payingn attention suddenly its 2am and I am yet to take my meds because manic barbie has kept me well distracted. .SO I learn not to turn my back. I start wanting to go out and have fun. Yesterday I ran and danced in the rain. It was amazing. I felt alive. In a good way. I know the urge to innduldge these moments of happiness )euphoria) elated mood. Because I spend far more time in depression. I will start to fall into depression as autum nears. I hope this year it wont be so severe because I am on a third mood stabiliser which is meant to be lithiums counter part for depression. I have high hopes for lamotragine! Because… I have had no release from the depression in over 20 years. None what so ever. I had also been advised that because this year I hadnt gone up as high then maybe I wouldnt go down as low. May I remind you all it was only a few months ago I checked myself volunatrily into a psych ward because I could sense an up episode coming on. I was proud of that. I would do it again if I felt I needed it. Dont get me wrong if I wanted to id be out partying, staying up late, giving in to these intense reckless urges and throwing caution to the wind. I could very easily do that. Its taking all of my will power to not. I am fightin gmy hardest right now to stay on track since I left hospital. You dont have to be depressed or suicidal to struggle. Sometimes when you feel the best you have ever felt in your life is when you need to be fightin gthe hardest to keep yourself grounded. Thats where each time I am faced with a choice to endulge my manic urges I remind myself of what I want mmost! Thats where you guys come in. Reading the coments on each post you remind me why I do this. Because when I tell my manic mind im doing it for myself it tells me who gives a fuck about that! Lets enjoy the here and now! Forget about the future!
You guys keep me grounded. You remind me with each like, comment and follow what I am really doing this for. So thank you all and your kind supportive words mean more to me now than ever! You are the backbone of my strength. You are cheering me on and that just makes me feel like I dont want to let you down. I could face you all if I made the wrong choice. Your making me chose to be strong and be more than my illness because you tell me I am. I know normally I would say expectation is extremely counter productive. But in this case, It works a treat! 🙂 thank you again!
Oh and just to clarify the terminology! I have never actually been MANIC. You can only experience true mania if you have had psychotic epsiodes. Only found in bipolar 1. Their depressive episodes are not as low. Then theres Bipolar 2 with no psychosis (only difference betweeen the two) And they only experience a Hypermania. Basically the same as mania but never loosing touch with reality. Their lows are more severe. I normally say mania when I am talking about my UP ohases because people get that. But ive decided to commit to using the correct terminology so no one gets confused. I just want to make sure you know exactly what I am talking about!