Welcome to 2017!!!
New year new me!
Well actually new year,
just hopefully less Mentalillness Madness!!
Thats the plan anyway.
I have a lot I want to achieve this year! I have high hopes for this page and I intend to get my book published and maybe a seccond one too! Those would be pretty cool achievements! But what they represent is far more important.
What I want from this year is very simple. So simple I cant even really put the concept into words because its a feeling. Its like a cauldron of feelings and sensations. A lot of happiness, a dash of sadness, a sense of achievement, self worth, control of myself, my illness, my world. I think its not so important whats in the pot… but what I am taking out of it. I imagine my illness as a black bacteria covering everythign I touch and coating my insides with hatred and darkness and destruction. I imagine everything I have learnt and committed to doing as killing the bacteria, stopping it from growing and cleansing everything it touched. I wont let my illness take hold of me and play me like a puppet. I hae learnt so much about my illness that I know what I have to do to get well. Im doing it. But if I didnt then well id only have myself to blame. Because I hae the knowledge and the tools now to oercome it if I want to. The drive is there and I refuse to let that die. Eerytime I do something I know is not condusive to my recovery…. It unsettles me. Becasue I know chosing to smoke, drink, lay in bed… whatever else you name it… im choosing not to be well. When I look at it like that I think, do I want to be the type of person who chooses to suffer a mental illness? NO! I do not. So get off your ass and do something about it! I am faced with this choice every second of every day. I accepted last year that although it is a horrendeous injustice I have to even think about all this shit… I do. Because I cant control what happened to me, whats in my dna, I cant make that all unhappen. The only cchoice I have is do I want to be like that for the rest of my life? If the answer is no… then I hhave to do something about it! I have no other choice! Instead of swallowing my pills and thinking how much of a burden this is on my life. I think how much do I want the life I always dreamed of. I think its a simple choice. How much more of your life do you want to WILLINGLY give your illness? Because from this moment forward… every seconnd you spend not getting help & working on your illness, educating yourself about your illness, proactively combatting the symptoms of your illness… You are choosing to be sick.
Thats the bottom line. Do it for your cchildren, for your partner or just like me, because I couldnt live one more day in my life. Something had to change. So I did.
I thought by going to my doctors and therapist regualrly and taking nmy medication meant I was doing everythign in my power to get well. So I was naturally disheartened when It wasnt working so well. Because I was trying everything, or so I thought. I realised there had to be more and I found out there was. IN 6 weeks in hospital, I found out all my triggers, everything from the amount of sleep I get, to the food I eat, to the amount of sunlight I receive or hormones in my body…. Everything had an effect on my brain. I realised that bipolar wasnt a faulty seretonin receptor… it was a sensitivity to change. To any change… in my environment, diet, exercise, people… anything! EVERYTHING!! It all had the ability to destabalise me! The only way I was going to get my stability beyond what the medication could give me was to control every aspect of my life…. Then I could have more luck controling my mind. I think of my mind now as a careful balancing act. On an actual scientific level… it is. So now that I know that… from what I learnt and years of personal experience! I learnt that I had a lot more control over my illness than it lead me to believe. That once I had my medication sorted. I ccould begin tweaking my life to give me another level to recovery and stability that absolutely blew my mind! I can lift my mood simply by spending a day in the sun… I can trigger a hypermanic mood. Which is because of the seasonal affective disorder. I can trigger instability by staying up late, drinking alchol, drugs, ccaffeine you name it! The trouble is you can never control whether its going to be ok. Or if it will pukk you up or send you crashing down… it can be different every time. Our brains are effected by change and they counteract the effect its having on us but way out of proportion.
I am living proof… please take my word. That recovery is possible. Its ok if you dontn believe me. I wouldnt have believed me if I travelled back in the future and told my past self all this. You have to see it for yourself to believe it. It sounds too good to be true! But its true!
I miss lots of things that people do in a normal life. I want to do them sometimes too. But now I know the consequences of doing them. Which are always quite negative. Short term gain for long term pain. I also know why how I have been feeling… that choosing not to do them is the only way I can achieve this level of control over mysef and my illness. That I can wake up nearly every day and my mood be determined by my broken brain. I look at it like if I was in a wheelchair… id change my whole life to accommodate my handy cap. So why wouldnt you do the same for your wonderful brain?
I know theres great sacrifices to be made. I never said it would be easy and from personal experience its the hardest thing you will ever do with your life. Learning to live with a mental illness in a way that doesnt effect your day to day life. Its incredibly hard.
But I can confirm its possible.
From a lifetime sceptic… turned believer.